I’m Sorry for My Racism
The most uncomfortable letter I’ve ever written
Hello social justice warriors, woke people, people of color, people without color, Medium members, Medium lurkers, literate animals, and everyone else. Welcome to my self-cancellation. I’m kidding, I think.
Lately, I have been mulling over racism and wokeness. I was going to write a wish for an end to “white people” generalizations, but I knew that was coming out of frustration so I didn’t. Then, this morning, I had the idea. The one that makes me uncomfortable, because I have to dig deep and be vulnerable. The one that scares me because I don’t know how people will react. The one that comes out of peace, and love. The one that makes me go fuck, this is the one I’m going to write, isn’t it?
So here’s the thing. I’m on this journey of self-discovery, you see, and it’s not always pretty. Bit by bit, I realized that some of the thoughts and feelings I have are racist. They lump people together based on their skin color, and they are discriminatory.
I can trace this back to my upbringing, some of the experiences I had as a child, some things I was told, and my mind attributing unflattering patterns to skin color as a result. No one in my entourage was overtly racist, I should be clear I didn’t grow up among white supremacists—as far as I can tell I had an average childhood for a kid growing up in France in the 90s in a white family. Race was never part of the conscious conversation, and yet seeds were planted.
Small seeds, for small plants. I didn’t particularly act out my racist thoughts, as far as I can remember. But I was biased. I covertly thought certain qualities were correlated with skin color. It could have a big impact on my first impression. It could even make me anxious or scared.
Racist, right? But I didn’t think it was at the time. Because racism is bad, I knew that. And I wasn’t bad, therefore I couldn’t be racist. When I noticed the racial nature of my prejudices I simply thought “it’s not racist, it’s true.” Problem solved.
At the same time, I realized pretty early on that what I was attributing to skin color was not inherent to skin color, but rather the product of unfavorable conditions that could themselves be correlated with skin color. This was the much more potent seed of greater understanding which continues to bear fruit to this day, and though my education wasn’t perfect I’m grateful this was included.
The threshold for me was understanding that I don’t need to believe all my thoughts and feelings. Though their purpose is usually to protect me in some way, they are often mistaken, acting out coping mechanisms that may have been necessary for a child but can safely be shed today. “Psssst, this person probably isn’t very smart…” Nope, not true, don’t believe that. “Watch out for these guys…” Settle down little mind, relax, you’re safe.
I don’t blame myself, or my upbringing—I can’t. For me to properly understand and bear witness to the unjust conditions that create the incomparable suffering endured by people of color, I must accept that prejudice itself is born out of prior conditions. Guilt, fear, hate, for myself or others, are symptoms of ignorance.
The best I can do is open my heart and say, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the systemic, cultural racism and bias that you and so many of your ancestors have to live through. I can only imagine the hardship. It’s enough to make me cry. I am so deeply moved by your courage, your strength, your resilience. I’m sorry for the aggressions, micro or otherwise. I’m sorry that respect and peace of mind are privileges when they should be rights. I’m sorry about the fear and the hate. I’m sorry about the brutality, the violence, the murders. I’m sorry for the things I don’t know.
May you be safe and protected. May you be peaceful and at ease in this world. May you be filled with love, and kindness. May you be free of all suffering. This is my wish for all beings.
For anything I’ve done, consciously or unconsciously, that contributed to your suffering, I’m sorry. Truly, deeply sorry. I vow to be an ally and a friend. I ask for your forgiveness.
